The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Randomize
