Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
