Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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