apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
