guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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