I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
