How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
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I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
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Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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