The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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