now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
