Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
