My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
