i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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