seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize