so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
