On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
