I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
