I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
