i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
