I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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