once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
