I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
