mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
