I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
