so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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