Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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