i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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