My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
