When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
