I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
