Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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