Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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