my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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