....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
