so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
