I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
