My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
