Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
