Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
