6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
