I want to have your abortion
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
