I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Randomize
