In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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