The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Randomize
