This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
