Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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