i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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