I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
