I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
