If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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