alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
