life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
