Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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