you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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