She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
