i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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