do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
