I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
